 Brian Patrick I am currently 37 weeks, 6 days pregnant. This means, like Arnie Grape says, "I could go at any time." In the past have I ever gone this early? No. But two nights this last week I started having irregular contractions in the evening -- more than those warm-up Braxton Hicks, but less than what I deem to be "true" labor. And it has given me a little bit of anxiety as to the realization that yes, someday soon, this baby will have to come out.
I have taught families about birth for years! I have touted the benefits of minimal-intervention during birth as long as mom and baby are okay. I have been excited for birth, pledged my allegience to birth, shared my mammalian theories about birth, and basically been on fire for the wonders birth can bring -- simply from a new, sweet baby, all the way to that complicated glimpse into what we are capable of as women. Birth has been my world -- it has been something I believe in, something I put my faith in, and something I have experienced as an incredible part of being a woman.
Yet here I sit, getting heart flutters and panic, as I experience a contraction that feels a little stronger than normal. When I get those nagging self-doubts or scary flashes of fear, I push them right out of my mind -- I can't even entertain them. If I had business with them, if there were something fruitful to come from their company, then there would be a purpose in having them hang around. But I know this much about myself: Negative thoughts are part and parcel to my brain and its chemistry, and they mostly have no function to fulfill.
To counter my own inclination of dwelling on the negative, I have found some solace: When I think about the women I have supported during their own experiences of birth, I find my confidence in birth being rebuilt.
There was Karen, who birthed her second son at home in a horse-trough-looking tub, all 12 pounds, 2 ounces of him, like nobody's business.
Amanda, who exercised her right to attempt a vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) in a local hospital; she walked into the hospital (no wheel chair for her!) at 7 centimeters open and soon after birthed her baby in a squat, close to the floor (I don't know if she even sat in the bed at all before the baby was born!).
Kim, who had her baby in the car on the way to the hospital with just the support of her husband.
Tara, who labored at home with a walk to Jamba Juice while she and her husband shared the story of how they met years before, as co-workers, at that same Jamba Juice (he snuck a kiss in the walk-in fridge!). Their baby was born a few hours later, peacefully and in the water.
Another Tara, who labored hard for almost two days to bring Brian Patrick into the world, on St. Patrick's day, no doubt, after being thisclose to having a cesarean birth.
Leah, who didn't let her fears get in the way of the hard work that birth is.
Kim, who was on bed-rest -- she ate breakfast, had a conference call for work, realized her water broke, went to the hospital and had a baby within an hour, had a follow-up call from someone at work regarding the conference call, and then had Thai food for lunch!
Laura, who experienced the worst kind of tragedy during pregnancy which she used for strength to have a home-water-VBAC -- I will never forget the words she kept chanting during transition, "The only way out is through. The only way out is through."
There are so many more. I remember them all. One thing I will say about birth -- no matter how you have a baby, no matter where you are or what your personal experience will be made up of, birth is a day of hard work. Regardless of whether a woman has a spontaneous, normal birth, an epidural, a cesarean birth (or whatever combination), it is generally not a day at the spa. But one thing I have always said, it is mostly a mind-game: You can psyche yourself up or you can psyche yourself out. I, for one, am working on the former, and I am so grateful for all those families who have allowed me to witness their power and strength, because right now, that's exactly what I need.
 From top left: Kim, Christa, me, Amber, Sorrell, and Anne. There are normal cycles a doula goes through, from the excitement phase which gets you pursuing your dream in the beginning, to the elatement as you share births with families, to the let-down that happens every so often when a birth doesn't go as a family planned. Another place a doula finds herself every so often is in a burn-out mode. I promise, once you have been working as a doula long enough, you will hit these phases, just as sure as the stages of labor, and then cycle back through them again.
I have experienced a few different burn-out points as a doula. Luckily with proper self-care, emotional support from other doulas, and time, a burn-out is bound to pass. It was during my first burn-out that I had an idea of working with a group of doulas to provide expanded coverage to clients at a reduced price, thus enabling more families affordable doula care, while also having a better way to carry out plans and "have a life" when working in a realm where you are constantly on-call.
I love growing new doulas, and because of this, I have always worked with others to weed out local doulas so we could meet together to share the joys, frustrations, and common issues doulas face. Every couple of years or so (as burn-out dictated), I would get a group together and present this idea of sharing call and rotating schedules. The first time I tried this it was spring, 2007, and we met at a midwifery office called the Red Tent. But something was missing. I felt disappointment as I realized this wasn't the group of doulas, for many diffferent reasons, a plan like this would work for. I tried again, and saw, again, we hadn't yet evolved into that group yet. So imagine my surprise when in October of 2011, I brought this up at yet another local doula support meeting. Suddenly, there we were! On fire with ideas, eager to see if we could make something like this work, and it seemed like each one of us was meant to be a part of this.
The women involved were all doulas I had met one way or another. I had known Amber the longest, as she attended the very first DONA-training I helped my mentor and friend, Connie, bring to Chico years before. We often would be the only two to show up to community doula meetings, so we got to know each other very well. Kim was a former client of mine (whose birth I missed because her baby was born in the car en route to the hospital!). She had trained as a doula and childbirth educator and her schedule finally opened enough, after having children, to allow her to pursue it again. Anne was another participant at the third DONA-training in Chico, and we met there, when I facilitated the breastfeeding portion of that seminar. Sorrell came along at the 4th DONA-training the following year, and we met under the same circumstances; she had worked as a doula and childbirth educator formerly in Plumas County. Christa was actually a phone call out of the blue -- her family was relocating to Chico from Northern California and she wanted to know about the birth climate in our area. That first phone call I fear I talked her ear off, I was so happy to hear from her.
So, we all end up in a room together, I share my idea, and lo and behold, after years of wishing for something like this, we discuss it, shape it, see how it feels for our lives, and the Chico Doula Circle was born! We had our first public meeting for parents in January 2012, and things just rolled forward from there. I was so sad to leave this group of women, and Christa left as well, to pursue nursing school in New York. But I see with gladness all they are accomlishing, and I still believe this is an incredible opportunity for doulas and families alike. Maybe someday I will get to be a part of something this wonderful again. In the meantime, I love knowing it is out there, serving the Chico community, and offering education and support to women and families during pregnancy and birth.
As an educator, I am pretty easy-going. My main goal is to offer accurate, evidence-based information and trust the expectant family to make the decisions they feel are right for their situation. I don't give a lot of "you should do this" kind of advice -- it's just not my style, and I don't think it lends well to a woman learning to trust her inner wisdom.
One place where I throw this out the window, though, is when it comes to "rules" a partner absolutely must follow. These rules are not covered in a particular class, rather they come up according to what topics we happen to be discussing. In class last week we happened to touch upon quite a few of these rules, and I told my families, "I should write these down." Enter, the blog!
These are for partners, so the "you" in the sentence is not the woman who is pregnant, but her direct support person...I think you know who you are.
1. You are not allowed to have bad breath. Her breath will probably be less-than-optimal -- she is working hard, breathing through her mouth, it could have been hours since she last brushed her teeth, or she may have thrown up her last snack. None of this matters. She needs support, often in a very close, in-your-personal-space kind of way. If her breath causes you to recoil, you can muster up your strength and remind yourself of the awesome events unfolding within her body. If your breath causes her to recoil, she may, very bluntly, tell you so, or maybe she will just involuntarily vomit in your lap. You have been warned. No chili cheese fries with extra garlic for you, partner. Breath mints, gum, and mouthwash are your friends.
2. You are not allowed to comment about anything else that might come out of her that is NOT a baby. It is very common for a woman to have a bowel movement during the second stage of birth -- it is actually a good thing -- not only does it provide extra space for a baby, it also shows she knows how to push. If a woman asks later, “Did I poop?” be careful, this question can be as loaded as, “Do I look fat?” My best answers to this question: “Hmm, I don’t remember,” or a solid, “No.” One situation, kids, where honesty doesn’t pay.
3. You are not allowed to try and have a conversation with her during a contraction. Commonly, partners pick this one up pretty quickly, so it is kind of a freebie. But, there is a second part: While this seems like a simple idea to you, others coming and going may not remember to “respect the contraction.” Your job is to run interference so the laboring woman can focus -- remember her contractions are her body’s little bursts of working energy, and her concentration is needed. If a nurse or friend tries to talk to her at this point, not only can it be a source of irritation to her, it can actually impede her body’s ability to unroll the red carpet that is the birth process. "Let's wait and ask her when the contraction is over."
4. You are not allowed to suffer in silence if there are people in the room that your partner is obviously not comfortable with. This includes friends and family as well as hospital staff. If the person(s) happen to be friends or family, and they just won’t listen to your kind requests of removal, enlist help from your doula or nurse or practitioner. Get one of these fine folks alone in the hall and let her know your company has gotten out of control, and to save yourself the potential grudge at the 4th of July party and forever, could she please help you out? These professionals have mouths like magic wands and they can easily clear a room with smiles on their faces and official-ness in their voices. Your guests will never know what was at the root of their departure, and you have helped protect your partner and the space she needs to un-focus for birth.
If the unwanted guest happens to be working at the hospital, it is perfectly acceptable to ask for a replacement or a removal. If you feel there is a bad connection with your nurse, you can talk to her about it, talk to the nurse manager about it, or talk to your practitioner about it, and see if the situation can be changed for the better, either with improved communication, or with a new nurse who better fits your philosophy and birthing plans. If a nurse walks in with a group of students and your birthing partner does not want to be on the observation deck, this is a situation where you can ask for removal, in a nice way, of course. “My-partner-the-laboring-woman and I discussed this beforehand, and she is not comfortable having students present.”
5. You are not allowed to get upset if you catch the brunt of some unseemly comments. When a woman is having a baby, some odd things happen in her brain and she may not be in the “polite” part of her mind – that filter of sorts – that “nice-izes” the things we say. Imagine this: your eyes are closed and you are listening to something you know is very important, but it is lightly garbled and it runs together. Your job is to pick out the words and phrases and construct some logical instructions out of it. The words are being whispered, and you are concentrating hard, trying to understand them. At the same time, you are aware of a fly buzzing around your face. You don’t know how long the fly has been there, but suddenly it seems like forever, and in a nanosecond, the idea of that fly just consumes you, and you pop open your eyes and start flailing your arms around like crazy, surprised by how you went from zero to medieval in no time flat. That’s kind of what it’s like in your head when you are absorbed in having a baby.
6. You are not allowed to complain about being tired, hungry, sick, or sore. That just kind of goes without saying. If you feel you might need someone to help you help your partner if one of these four physical conditions should arise, consider hiring a doula. Not only does she help the laboring mother, she also ensures the birth partner is doing well, gets to eat, gets to rest, gets a shoulder rub, etc.
To sum up: Labor and birth are intense times. There is so much going on that it can be hard to know how to help. A woman must go through this process herself – no one can do it for her. But that doesn’t mean she has to be alone while she is doing it. The most important rule a partner should remember is to be with her and remind her of the wonderful job she and her baby are doing together, and that she has your support, your heart, and your presence during the process.
Seeing mom working so hard to bring their baby out? Making noises that seem more appropriate coming from a howling monkey instead of a human? Watching things that maybe one has only seen on Discovery Health Channel through half-closed eyes? The blood, sweat, and tears of it all? Does that answer your question?
Birth is an amazingly transformative event in the life of the family. As a doula and an educator, of course I relish in the whole thing and view baby's emergence as a spiritual experience unlike any other. I am comfortable with the noises of labor and the sound of hard work -- the music which accompanies this great act. Not everyone is, though, and not everyone feels sure about the birth process and the safety of their partner, the mother.
My husband and I recently celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. Once seated at a restaurant, waiting for dinner, I started the conversation.
"I want us to think about our time together, and take inventory of our relationship, our family, and our lives." My husband suddenly looked like a he walked into a pop quiz. He didn't look too eager to answer my probing questions. I was joking, but this did lead to one question that had been on my mind lately. "Well, answer this for me: Did you enjoy being at our babies' births, or would you have rather waited outside until it was over?" Being a birth-lover, I knew what answer I wanted to hear -- did I have it within me to hear the other answer, too?
"Honestly, I would have liked to come in when it was all over." I did know that, I don't know why I was expecting to hear that other answer. I love my husband, and to his credit, he never left me needing or wanting more during labor; coupled with my doula's support, he was my main pillar of strength. I know he appreciated my doula's way of caring for me, of anticipating my next whim, of comforting not only me, but also him.
The realization set in that labor and birth is not everyone's cup of tea.
I have seen partners, unsure in the beginning, actually put a glove on and check Mom's cervix (with the help of a wonderfully encouraging midwife). I have seen a dad be the first to touch his baby's little head as it peaked ever-so-slightly out of Mom. I have even seen a baby tumble out into a dad's strong hands. But a partner does not have to do any of that to be involved and to show his or her love for the laboring woman. Hands are important, but the location of hands is not. Hands on hair, hands on forehead, hands on back -- hands on hands -- can be accomplished by a birth partner at any comfort level. Touch is the goal, touch and loving words.
In my husband's case, he held my hands during the most intense parts of labor, and he encouraged me with his voice; sterile gloves were not needed for either.
Help for a birth partner:
-The Birth Partner (book)
-Dads and Birth Partners
-Supporting Your Partner During Birth
The excitement that surrounds an expectant mother starts building as soon as the good news is shared. As her burgeoning belly grows so does attention from others. Baby’s arrival brings relatives, friends, and neighbors…at first. But as the much-awaited birth comes and goes, so do the people. Often this can leave a new mother feeling isolated, tired, and depressed.
In some cultures, the new mother is relieved of her daily duties and attended to for up to 40 days postpartum. Special restorative foods are brought to the mother, she is taken care of by members of her family, and her sole responsibility is to bond with her new baby. This is known as a babymoon. In our culture, 40 days after birth typically sees the end of a mother’s maternity leave!
You can help meet a new mother’s needs simply by using your heart and your hands, and sometimes your ears. Never expect to just plop in and be entertained – always ask what you can do to help. Often mothers have reservations about letting you pitch in with cleaning or laundry. If this is the case, place a simple list numbered 1, 2, 3 on the refrigerator. Ask her to write down three things she would feel comfortable accepting help with. The next time you visit, glance at the list and get going! If she insists life is great, do something unexpected for her. Bring her a pot of homemade soup and some warm bread. Drop off a new pair of pajamas for her, or the baby, or both! Demonstrate your active listening skills by summarizing her shared feelings and suspending your judgment, offering suggestions only if she asks for your opinion.
I have the fortunate opportunity to nurture and support pregnant women during their experiences of pregnancy and birth. I have noticed the mother who functions well, feels good, and exudes confidence early in the postpartum period is the mother who continues to be blessed with help and visits from her extended supporters. Babies bring joy, but they bring demands as well. By meeting the needs of the new mother in your life, whether she is a friend, a neighbor, or your own daughter, you are enabling her to better care for and meet the needs of her own baby.
Three things that can help after the baby comes:
-Postpartum Support International
-How to Have a Happy Baby
-Operating Instuctions
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