Some Rules for Partners

As an educator, I am pretty easy-going. My main goal is to offer accurate, evidence-based information and trust the expectant family to make the decisions they feel are right for their situation. I don't give a lot of "you should do this" kind of advice -- it's just not my style, and I don't think it lends well to a person working to follow their plans and follow their intuition

One place where I throw this out the window, though, is when it comes to "rules" a partner absolutely must follow. These rules are not covered in a particular class, rather they come up according to what topics we happen to be discussing. In class last week we happened to touch upon quite a few of these rules, and I told my families, "I should write these down." Enter, the blog!

These are for partners, so the "you" in the sentence is not the person who is pregnant, but their direct support person...and I think you know who you are.

1.  You are not allowed to have bad breath. The laboring person's breath will probably be less-than-optimal -- they are working hard, breathing through their mouth, it could have been hours since they last brushed their teeth, or they may have thrown up their last snack. None of this matters. They need support, often in a very close, in-your-personal-space kind of way. If their breath causes you to recoil, you can muster up your strength and remind yourself of the awesome events unfolding during this birth. If your breath causes the laboring person to recoil, they may, very bluntly, tell you so, or maybe they will just involuntarily vomit in your lap. You have been warned. No chili cheese fries with extra garlic for you, my friend.  Breath mints, gum, and mouthwash should be littered liberally around the room, and you should liberally use them.

2.  You are not allowed to comment about anything else that might come out that is NOT a baby. It is very common for a person to have a bowel movement during the second stage of birth -- it is actually a good thing -- not only does it provide extra space for a baby, it also shows they know how to push. If the arent of your child asks later, “Did I poop?” be careful, this is a LOADED question. If you are a good liar, you could say, "No, Honey -- I know, I totally thought you would! But you didn't." If you aren't so great at lying, you could offer the always-appropriate: "Hmm, let me think. I don't know, Babe, it was such an incredible day. I just can't remember..."

3.  You are not allowed to try and have a conversation with her during a contraction. And while we are on the subject, help others who might try the same thing hold their darn horses. Commonly, partners pick this one up pretty quickly, so it is kind of a freebie. But, there is a second part:  While this seems like a simple idea to you, others coming and going may not remember to “respect the contraction.” Your job is to run interference so the laboring person can focus -- remember these contractions are the body’s little bursts of working energy, and concentration is needed. If a nurse or friend tries to talk to them at this point, not only can it be a source of irritation, it can actually impede the body’s ability to unroll the red carpet that is the birth process.

"Let's wait and ask when the contraction is over."
"I'm sure they will be happy to answer you when the contraction is gone."
"I see they stopped talking because of a contraction -- it will be over in less than a minute and you can ask again."

4.  You are not allowed to suffer in silence if there are people in the room that your partner is obviously not comfortable with. This includes friends and family as well as hospital staff. If the person(s) happen to be friends or family, and they just won’t listen to your kind requests of removal (or you are cautious of asking), enlist help from your doula or nurse or provider. Get one of these fine folks alone in the hall and let them know your company has gotten out of control, and to save yourself the potential grudge at the 4th of July party and forever, could they please help you out? These professionals have mouths like magic wands and they can easily clear a room with smiles on their faces and official-ness in their voices. Your guests will never know what was at the root of their departure, and you have helped protect your partner and the space needed for birth.

If the unwanted guest happens to be working at the hospital, it is perfectly acceptable to ask for a replacement or a removal. If you feel there is a bad connection with your nurse, you can talk to her about it (not always the choice people feel comfortable with), talk to the nurse manager about it, or talk to your provider about it, and see if the situation can be changed for the better, either with improved communication, or with a new nurse who better fits your philosophy and birthing plans. If a nurse walks in with a group of students and your birthing partner does not want to be on the observation deck, this is a situation where you can ask for removal, in a nice way, of course. “My-partner-the-laboring-person and I discussed this beforehand, and we are not comfortable having students present.” What if the unwanted person is a provider? It all still applies. Talk to the nurse manager and let them know you are not comfortable with the provider, and you are requesting someone else.

5.  You are not allowed to get upset if you catch the brunt of some unseemly comments. When a person is having a baby, some odd things happen in their brain and they may not be in the “polite” part of their mind – that filter of sorts – that “nice-izes” the things we say. Imagine this: your eyes are closed and you are listening to something you know is very important, but it is lightly garbled and it runs together. Your job is to pick out the words and phrases and construct some logical instructions out of it. The words are being whispered, and you are concentrating hard, trying to understand them. At the same time, you are aware of a fly buzzing around your face. You don’t know how long the fly has been there, but suddenly it seems like forever, and in a nanosecond, the idea of that fly just consumes you, and you pop open your eyes and start flailing your arms around like crazy, surprised by how you went from zero to medieval in no time flat. 

That’s kind of what it’s like in your head when you are absorbed in having a baby. Words can come out fast and naked, as it takes a lot of mental energy to figure out how to have a baby.

6.  You are not allowed to complain about being tired, hungry, sick, or sore. That just kind of goes without saying. If you feel you might need someone to help you help your partner if one of these four physical conditions should arise, consider hiring a doula. Not only does the doula help the laboring person, they also ensures the birth partner is doing well, gets to eat, gets to rest, gets a shoulder rub, etc.

To sum up: Labor and birth are intense times. There is so much going on that it can be hard to know how to help. A person must go through this process by themselves  – no one can do it for them. But that doesn’t mean they have to be alone while doing it. The most important rule a partner should remember is to be with the laboring person and remind them of the wonderful job they and their baby are doing together, and that they have your support, your heart, and your presence during the process.