Discovering Doulas #3: Am I Smart Enough?

I am often approached by women who feel a pull towards this work. A common comment in situations like these is: "But you know so much! I don't know nearly enough -- how could I do what you do?"

There is a secret. I learned this though years of personal observation and experience. I would love to share it with you if you have come here in the hopes of figuring this out for yourself. Are you ready for it? Now, pay attention, because if you understand and embrace what I am about to tell you, you may gain a boost of confidence that can buoy you up in times of self-doubt and personal conflict.

Imagine this: You are shopping in your favorite grocery store.  notice the refried beans are no longer in their spot on the shelf. You ask a passing employee for help. She confirms visually they are missing and says, "Oh. I don't see them. I don't know where they are? Sorry." Then she leaves.

How are you feeling?  Frustrated, mad, let-down, unimportant?

Imagine now the same situation. You see garbanzo, kidney, white, black -- but no refried beans. Again an employee walks by and you ask about the beans. She looks, sees their place on the shelf has been taken over by other beans, and turns to you to say, "I don't know, but let me find out for you."

Now how are you feeling? Cared-for, worth it, appreciated? That employee took more time to help you, admitted she didn't have the immediate information you needed, and in the end, she helped you solve your problem (the beans had been moved by the tortillas, salsa, and canned peppers! True story).

Families are coming to us for information, yes, and often they are needing comfort, reassurance, affirmation, compassion, an ear to hear and sometimes a shoulder to cry on. It is so much more important that we encircle them in our attention and our care versus offering the precise answers to their questions and then sending them on their way. The surface problem they present may be just the tip of the iceberg, and without skills like active listening, seeking clarification, reacting with appropriate body language, we can miss what's under the water.

When does a person feel cared-for?  When they know you are focusing on them and that you care about them. The way to show this is by being present.  It is okay (and appreciated!) to tell your client you aren't familiar with the issue, and you will aid them in finding helpful resources.

So the answer to the question, "Am I smart enough?" is this:

"Stuff" can be pulled out of books -- facts, statistics, information; this comes from outside and slowly takes root inside.  It can be sterile, static, and cold.

"Stuffing" is what you have to offer,  what makes a teddy bear comforting; this comes from inside and (often, not slowly!) makes its way outside.  It can be calming, assuring, and warm. 

One makes you a smart doula; the other makes you a great doula.