Doesn't Every Partner Love Birth?

​Seeing mom working so hard to bring their baby out? Making noises that seem more appropriate coming from a howling monkey instead of a human? Watching things that maybe one has only seen on Discovery Health Channel through half-closed eyes? The blood, sweat, and tears of it all? Does that answer your question?

Birth is an amazingly transformative event in the life of the family. As a doula and an educator, of course I relish in the whole thing and view baby's emergence as a spiritual experience unlike any other. I am comfortable with the noises of labor and the sound of hard work -- the music which accompanies this great act. Not everyone is, though, and not everyone feels sure about the birth process and the safety of their partner, the laboring person.

My husband and I have been married 21 years. On our 11th wedding anniversary we found ourselves seated across the table from each other at a Chinese food restaurant. At this point we had three of our four boys, the youngest just a year old. I decided to start the conversation.

"I want us to think about our time together, and take inventory of our relationship, our family, and our lives." My husband suddenly looked like a he walked into a pop quiz.  He didn't look eager to answer my probing questions. I was joking, but this did lead to one question that had been on my mind lately:  "Well, answer this for me -- did you enjoy being at our babies' births, or would you have rather waited outside until it was over?" Being a birth-lover, I knew what answer I wanted to hear -- did I have it within me to hear the other answer, too?

"Honestly, I would have liked to come in when it was all over." I did kind of know this, I don't know why I was expecting to hear that other answer. I love my husband, and to his credit, he never left me needing or wanting more during labor; coupled with my doula's support, he was my main pillar of strength. I know he appreciated my doula's way of caring for me, of anticipating my next whim, of comforting not only me, but also him.  

The realization set in that labor and birth is not everyone's cup of tea.  

I have seen partners, unsure in the beginning, actually put a glove on and check Mom's cervix (with the help of a wonderfully encouraging midwife). I have seen a dad be the first to touch his baby's little head as it peaked ever-so-slightly out. I have even seen a baby tumble out into a dad's strong hands.  But a partner does not have to do any of that to be involved and to show his or her love for the laboring person.  Hands are important, but the location of hands is not.  Hands on hair, hands on forehead, hands on back -- hands on hands -- can be accomplished by a birth partner at any comfort level.  Touch is the goal -- touch and loving words.  

In my husband's case, he held my hands during the most intense parts of labor, and he encouraged me with his voice; sterile gloves were not needed for either.