A couple of weeks ago, I took my 6-year-old and 9-year-old to a Weezer concert.  We had so much fun, dancing and singing to the songs we love.  It was my first time seeing Weezer, and for both boys (barring my 9-year-old's Sting concert at 11-months-old) it was their first show.  It is definitely something we want to do again.

I had planned to labor to music during all three of my babies' births, but at the time, it didn't come to pass.  Many women are helped through their labors by the comfort of the music they connect with.  Often couples will pick out a lot of different songs to load up onto their MP3 players or to make a CD.  The key to an effective compilation is to make sure there are varied types of songs included.  Slow songs are helpful when a woman needs to rest or wants to drown out any background noise she may feel surrounded by.  Upbeat songs can be helpful while a woman may be walking, stomping, rocking, or even pushing.  Songs that a woman has a personal connection to also have a place in this repertoire -- take, for example, the first song she and her partner danced to, a song played at their wedding, or a song that reminds a woman of a time, person, or event in her life that brings her strength. 

Although one can spend hours on a good mix of music, flexibility is still the key -- a woman may then decide she doesn't wish to listen to music at all.  That's okay, too.  The time spent creating such a resource won't be wasted as this collection could still be played later, with fond memories of what the intentions were while originally creating it.

In my class, I like to play music in the background.  Of course I choose things I really like, such as Chris Isaak, Beck, Weezer of course, and other artists' songs that are a bit more on the calm side.  I tend to play a bit of classical music as well.  The other day in class we were talking about music and how it can help us cope, give us strength, encourage rest, and generally lift our moods.  "It is important to remember," I shared as we listened to a Puccini CD, "that if you, say, hate classical music, you don't put any on your birth CD."  I gestured to the CD player and the expectant parents laughed. 

What if you aren't sure what to use?  Often, the hospital will have CDs a family can use in a pinch, but then you won't have much choice about it.  Lullabies are often a good choice as well -- they work during labor, and they work afterwards with a new baby.  One of my favorite choices is "Rockabye Baby," a company that takes your favorite artists and changes their music into melodic lullabies appropriate for any nursery.  Chances are, there is something there you will like, from Smashing Pumpkins and Metallica, to No Doubt, U2, and even classic artists like Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd.

I had a doula client once who realized, once her water broke, she suddenly was filled with fear about her baby's birth.  It happened while she did her grocery shopping, and as she started driving towards her home to call her midwife and her husband, a song popped into her head:
"Don't worry
About a thing
'Cause every little thing's gonna be all right."

Later into her labor, we put that CD on and her baby was actually born to Bob Marley.  And every little thing was all right.

More about music and birth:

-Some Science, and Some Songs that Work
-Music to Birth Kids By (funny!)
-Choosing Music to be Born To

We are in the middle of a move. It is hard to wade through seven years of accumulated stuff, and there is a reason moving is one of those challenges that can help set a person into a depression. On the good side, our new place is bigger with more room; on the bad side, it is a new place, and there are a lot of kinks to work out, such as no available DSL/cable, no known address for the Post Office, and the usual rash of new-house-issues that we, as the first occupants, get to discover. It is an adventure, to say the least!

When having a baby, we have the opportunity to move. We move from one head-space, to another. It is a time to purge out old ideas, such as the fears surrounding birth that we have grown up with or watched on TV. It is a time to find the philosophies that resonate with us and our pregnant bodies, and nurture those, such as an innate belief that our bodies and our babies know how to time, cooperate, and coordinate all things needed for a safe birth-journey.

Just as each birth experience in a person's life is unique, every pregnancy and birth-journey can leave an expectant parent feeling like the first person to move into a new home -- discovering the askew window, the shower with low pressure, the sink that wasn't sealed -- and these things can leave her feeling stress at the anticipation of how these problems will be resolved. Rest assured, though, that with the proper maintenance team, they CAN be resolved.

And so it goes for the pregnant person. When a person is surrounded by a care team that they trust, they can discuss particular issues and work towards solving them. There are things that can be picked up at a routine prenatal appointment, such as high blood pressure, but it is important to remember the physical body is just one room of the pregnant person's house. If you are feeling unrest, worry, anxiety, your practitioner might not always be aware of that -- and you may feel you don't want to bother them. Let me share, though: If you feel something is going on that is not normal for you, your care practitioner will want to know.

I can speak from the heart on this one. I experienced a deep depression with my third pregnancy, and I mentioned it to no one. Looking back now, I realize it wasn't okay; at the time, though, I think it was pride that kept me from sharing this with my own midwife. Come on, I was a doula, a childbirth educator, and the already very-able mom to two children; I didn't want to embarrass myself by admitting that I might be having a problem I wasn't capable of fixing on my own.

This wasn't just a bit of negative thinking, though -- my thoughts were being colored by what seemed like a cloud hanging over my head. Here is a peek as to how serious (and distorted) my thoughts were: I was sure my baby was not going to be born alive. I just knew it. It kept me awake at night. I started having panic attacks. I disconnected a bit from my children. And of course worry consumed me. Through all of this, I never mentioned anything to anyone. I suffered in silence.

At the time, this was my full reality. Looking back now, I know I was in need of help, and I should have sought it out. But stigma and shame kept me isolated, and I endured alone.

That baby will be three next month. He is happy, healthy, and learning to use the potty. I recovered quickly after he was born, and we adjusted to life with three boys. I regret I spent so much of my pregnancy with him sure and ready to lose him. 

When these kinds of thoughts don't just pass through your mind, but stay, take up residence, and make themselves cozy, it may be time to lighten the burden by getting in touch, and being honest, with our care practitioners. We don't have to be stuck in a bad mental space simply because our pride acts as a barrier.  If you feel you may need help, please ask. It could be time to move. 

Three places to find more information:

-Postpartum Support International
-What Uncle Sam has to Say
-Self-Quiz

Seeing the pregnant person working so hard to bring their baby out? Making noises that seem more appropriate coming from a howler monkey instead of a human? Watching things that maybe one has only seen on Discovery Health Channel through half-closed eyes? The blood, sweat, and tears of it all? Does that answer your question?

Birth is an amazingly transformative event in the life of the family. As a doula and an educator, of course I relish in the whole thing and view baby's emergence as a spiritual experience unlike any other. I am comfortable with the noises of labor and the sound of hard work -- the music which accompanies this great act. Not everyone is, though, and not everyone feels sure about the birth process and the safety of their partner.

My husband and I recently celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. Once seated at a restaurant, waiting for dinner, I started the conversation.

"I want us to think about our time together, and take inventory of our relationship, our family, and our lives." My husband suddenly looked like a he walked into a pop quiz. He didn't look too eager to answer my probing questions. I was joking, but this did lead to one question that had been on my mind lately. "Well, answer this for me: Did you enjoy being at our babies' births, or would you have rather waited outside until it was over?" Being a birth-lover, I knew what answer I wanted to hear -- did I have it within me to hear the other answer, too?

"Honestly, I would have liked to come in when it was all over." I did know that, I don't know why I was expecting to hear that other answer. I love my husband, and to his credit, he never left me needing or wanting more during labor; coupled with my doula's support, he was my main pillar of strength. I know he appreciated my doula's way of caring for me, of anticipating my next whim, of comforting not only me, but also him. 

The realization set in that labor and birth is not everyone's cup of tea.  

I have seen partners, unsure in the beginning, actually put a glove on and check their parenter's cervix (with the help of a wonderfully encouraging midwife). I have seen a dad be the first to touch his baby's little head as it peaked ever-so-slightly out. I have even seen a baby tumble out into a dad's strong hands.  But a partner does not have to do any of that to be involved and to show their love for the laboring person. Hands are important, but the location of hands is not. Hands on hair, hands on forehead, hands on back -- hands on hands -- can be accomplished by a birth partner at any comfort level. Touch is the goal, touch and loving words. 

In my husband's case, he held my hands during the most intense parts of labor, and he encouraged me with his voice; sterile gloves were not needed for either.

Help for a birth partner:

-The Birth Partner (book)
-Dads and Birth Partners
-Supporting Your Partner During Birth

I picked this book up in my favorite used bookstore here in Chico, aptly called, "The Bookstore."  I was familiar with the Leonard Cohen song, but as I read I realized I hadn't truly absorbed the words.  Being pulled towards things that have to do with mothers, babies, and birth, I fell in love with the book.  Not only are the words appropriate to so many birth stories, coupled with Matisse pictures, the treasure comes alive in your hands.

I had carried this book in my doula bag for quite a few births before I ever had need to pull it out.  A woman, beautifully taken up by the process of working towards birthing her baby, asked her husband to read to her.  I retrieved the book, and Dad began to read the beautiful love poem to his Love.

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in
Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

Oh let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone
Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon
Show me slowly what I only know the limits of
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on
Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long
We're both of us beneath our love, we're both of us above
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the children who are asking to be born
Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn
Raise a tent of shelter now, though every thread is torn
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in
Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

I may just ask my husband to read this to me tonight...

Three ways to dance during labor:

-Slowdancing
-Belly Dancing
-Spinning Babies Suggestions

The excitement that surrounds an expectant parent starts building as soon as the good news is shared. As their burgeoning belly grows so does attention from others. Baby’s arrival brings relatives, friends, and neighbors…at first. But as the much-awaited birth comes and goes, so do the people. Often this can leave a new parent feeling isolated, tired, and depressed.

In some cultures, the new parent is relieved of their daily duties and attended to for up to 40 days postpartum. Special restorative foods are brought to the parent, they are taken care of by members of their family, and the sole responsibility for the parent is to bond with their new baby. This is known as a babymoon. In our culture, 40 days after birth typically sees the end of a parent's maternity leave!  

You can help meet a new parent's needs simply by using your heart and your hands, and sometimes your ears. Never expect to just plop in and be entertained – always ask what you can do to help. Often people have reservations about letting you pitch in with cleaning or laundry. If this is the case, place a simple list numbered 1, 2, 3 on the refrigerator. Ask them to write down three things they are comfortable accepting help with. The next time you visit, glance at the list and get going!  If they insist life is great, do something unexpected. Bring a pot of homemade soup and some warm bread. Drop off a new pair of pajamas for them, or the baby, or both!  Demonstrate your active listening skills by summarizing their shared feelings and suspending your judgment, offering suggestions only if asked for your opinion.  

I have the fortunate opportunity to nurture and support pregnant people during their experiences of pregnancy and birth. I have noticed the parent who functions well, feels good, and exudes confidence early in the postpartum period is the parent who continues to be blessed with help and visits from their extended supporters. Babies bring joy, but they bring demands as well. By meeting the needs of the new parent in your life, whether they are a friend, a neighbor, or your own grown child, you are enabling them to better care for and meet the needs of their baby. 

Three things that can help after the baby comes:

-Postpartum Support International
-How to Have a Happy Baby
-Operating Instructions

Q.  What is your feeling about taking clients that have the same due date?

A.  I would actually prefer to have two clients with the same due date, as opposed to having clients with a two-week space between due dates. It is speculated that only 5-10% of babies are born on their actual due dates -- that is maybe one out of ten pregnant people, so the chances of two clients, with the same due date, having their babies at the same time is even less than that. On a personal note, I have only ever had back-to-back/same-day births with clients where I thought there was a safe distance between due dates, but babies come when babies come -- they don't often get the memo about when they are "due."

First time: A client of mine had a cesarean two weeks early for a medical issue (about 2 pm), and another client had her baby the same day at home with a midwife (her due date), 6 minutes before midnight.

Second time: I had a client go two days early; my back-up doula had a client go 18 days overdue (my back-up had to leave on day 16, so her client became my client). My back-up's client was in the hospital working on day 2 of an induction. My client went into spontaneous labor, and actually had her baby at midnight. Before I left, I went to pop into the other family's room, but their nurse assured me they were sleeping. I got home (35 minutes away) and barely fell asleep when the phone rang. I ran back to the hospital, very sleepy! Baby was born about 12 hours later around 3 pm.

Third time: My client was 16 days past her due date, and another client went a couple of days early. Over-due person delivered at about 10 pm; early person called me at 1 in the morning stating her water broke. Back to the old grindstone!
​
A few things you should know about due dates:

-Fear of the Big Baby
-I am very close to my duedate, should I do anything to hasten labor?
-Peace in the Midst of the Storm

​The first thing that I'd want to do...

Okay, just kidding. Today I learned of a product called "Liquid Trust." It is an oxytocin spray that is supposed to help people trust you. It is advertised to people looking for love or that job promotion. I watched intently, waiting for the woman to state that it is a hormone released during orgasms and breast/chestfeeding, and that it is the hormone responsible for the contractions which bring babies forth, and then the initial feelings a parent has which bond them to their baby. She mentioned the contraction part and the bonding part, but not the breastfeeding or orgasm part.

There was a doctor/researcher there who was integral in studying oxytocin, as well as scrutinizing this product. He has conducted experiments where he administered oxytocin to hundreds of people and recorded what happened. He said it does help people feel more comfortable and trusting, but he said they need about 2 teaspoons in the brain to get that feeling, and that this spray

1) Would not be able to provide the amount needed by the brain, and

2) This is a substance regulated by the FDA, and where is this company obtaining their oxytocin? This company should be investigated.

It's always a good feeling when you get to save the day. Today my oldest was putting together a model of a Mini Cooper and he lost a main piece. He was upset already because his baby brother was trying to get in on the action of putting the car together, and naturally my oldest thought my youngest was to blame for the missing part.

Yelling, crying, a general freaking-out then ensued. I thought I would use some of my new skills picked up from a book called "Tongue Fu," and instead of telling my oldest he "should have" been sitting at the kitchen table instead of his bed, I asked him "Can you think of another place you could put that together, where the baby won't be in the way?" After a thoughtful moment he said, "The kitchen table." I glanced down under his bed and picked up a model piece -- the very one that was missing, and my son happily collected his car parts and relocated to the table.

Viola! If only it were always that easy!

I got a call Tuesday morning from a mother who had a baby Saturday. Her nipples were sore, she wasn't sure her baby was getting anything or nursing right, and she was sobbing into the phone that the pain was so bad she didn't know if she could continue. I learned she lived close to me, so I asked her if I could come over? "You would do that?" she asked. "Sure thing, it's a slow morning, my baby's still asleep, and my husband is here to hold down the fort."

I could hear her baby crying as I knocked on the door. Dad let me in and showed me back. We got the baby to suck on her finger so Mom and I could chat about the situation. He calmed, sucking away, and we talked about what she thought was going on.

Soon we got the baby latched, and -- surprise -- there was no pain! Her left breast was still pretty tender, so she was going to pump on that side for a while and try him later in the evening there. She held her drunk-with-milk-for-the-first-time baby, and was in awe over his relaxed stated. "I have never seen him like this!" She absolutely beamed. He seemed pretty beam-y, too.

As I got ready to leave, she said, "You are amazing! Thank you so much for coming to help us. I was ready to quit." It would be lovely to take all of that and leave. It feels better for Mom, in the long-run though, to remind her I helped just a teensy bit with some logistics -- she and her baby did/have-done/will-continue-to-do all the work.

Ways to help save the day:

-A New Mother's Needs
-When Your Daughter has a Baby
-When Your Partner has a Baby

Or...

My first Root Canal!

I was ushered into the exam room, and an assistant came in, touched my arm, and said, "Hello. Can I get you anything?" She held her hand on my arm for more than a second before she moved across the room. I had the thought, "She could be a doula."

She was my mom's age, shortish, roundish, with long brown hair. For reading material, I packed an article on Non-Pharmaceutical Pain Relief. She saw what I was reading and asked about it, thinking it pertained to my dental visit. I shared that no, I was a Lamaze-certified Childbirth Educator, and my class that evening was on comfort measures and pain.

The dentist walked in and she, too, thought the article looming in my lap was the signal for someone petrified of all-things-dentist. That was when I remember some people really are very frightened of the dentist, like I am frightened of throwing up. I assured her, too, this was just job-related. I told them both I felt my class on comfort measures and pain was getting a little stale, and I wanted to refresh my memory and increase my knowledge.

"You know, it's funny," I started, while these two dental professionals were gathering things together for my wonderful procedure, "Often women say, 'I wouldn't get a root canal without anesthetic, so why would I have a baby without pain medication?'" The dentist asked, "What do you tell them?" "I tell them birth is normal, someone drilling into your tooth isn't." They both laughed -- the assistant with her birth wisdom, and the dentist with her root-canal/tooth-drilling wisdom.

As I laid practically with head in the dentist's lap, she slowly and methodically started shooting my gums up with anesthetic. "Oh, you are doing great. If anyone should be able to relax for this, it's you. Excellent work." She continued to brag to the assistant about me and how wonderful I was coping. I thought she may have been yanking my chain a bit, but I still felt good -- if she was trying to distract me, it worked!

She left to give the anesthetic some time to work. The assistant and I started chatting. She said she had 6 children, and that she was something of a legend: She was the first woman in our county to have a VBAC after 3 cesareans! She told me she has been with her daughters when they have birthed, and then she sheepishly added, "They have had their babies at home." I smiled as much as my half-numb face could smile (a half-smile?) and shared that if I had another baby, it would only be at home with a midwife.

We had a lovely chat. She shared her VBAC story with me. Her family and extended family -- friends and children-of-friends -- commonly ask her to help support them through labor. "If I had to do it all over again, I would get into the birth-world." I agreed it was an amazing place to be.

I left with a temporary filling, an appointment for next month, and a renewed appreciation for the awesome opportunities I have as a doula.

Some link-y-poos promoting positive dental health during pregnancy, 'cause I am all about the good here -- trying to help you avoid a future root canal, folks:

-Is that Advice ADA-Recommended?
-A Doula at the Dentist, part 2
-A Doula at the Dentist, take 3

updated 9-19